By David Gignilliat

Keeper League 10

As you’re lining up your trays of chicken wings, spinach dip and shrimp cocktail in preparation for Super Bowl Sunday, you’ll probably find yourself sucked into one of many pre-game buffets that try to get you in the mood for the big game.  You know the ones I am talking about.  They’re the ones with slow-motion, ultra-stylized game sequences and the legendary NFL Films, “Voice of God”, announcer rhapsodizing about “the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field” and “the autumnal wind.”

One minute you’re raking leaves in your backyard, and in a blur … you realize you’ve just spent the last three hours Tim Couchin’ it watching clips of Bart Starr, Timmy Smith and Leon Lett make Super Bowl history.  Your wife’s “Honey Do” list has long since been tucked away in between the cushions of your LaZ Boy recliner.  You see her lips moving, but you can’t understand what she is saying.  She should know you’re in a pre-game trance, though.  The Tostitos salsa fossil on your chin should be a dead giveaway for her.

The good folks at the Fantasy Baseball Mafia know where your attention lies on this most special of “man” days.  In the spirit of hype, sweeping generalizations, and thought-provoking sports debate, we give you the Top 10 Performances in Modern Fantasy Baseball History.  Read it early in the day.  Before you’re in a Miller Lite/Hormel Chili and Velveeta stupor.  Or chew on it during Jordin Sparks’ rousing rendition of the “Star-Spangled Banner” prior to kickoff.  Or during Tom Petty’s lame halftime show.  Or during the commercials of an all-new episode of “House” after the Super Bowl.  Only on the East Coast.

Note: Like many sports-themed “list” columns, this is a completely arbitrary, subjective exercise.  Written by me, your humble author.  These selections should not be used for any wagering purposes and the author (me again) absolves himself of all ridicule you might incur while repeating my top five at your Super Bowl party later tonight.  And if you have a problem with it, we’ll have to step outside.  I got some aluminum bats in the trunk of my Lincoln Town Car that I’d like to show you.  Or you can send me a nice, friendly e-mail at uvadavidg@gmail.com and we can talk about your opinions, professionally, like made-men should.

And for the purposes of easy consumption, in between handfuls of Planters peanuts, I’ve made my Top 10 really easy for you to digest.

10b. Hack Wilson, 1930, Cubs - .356 BA, .454 OBP, .723 SLG, 56 HR , 191 RBI, 146 R

OK.  That’s not exactly modern-day.  But that’s pretty damn impressive.  And a cool nickname too.

10a. Dwight Gooden, 1984 - 24 wins, 1.53 ERA, 268 K, .965 WHIP, 276 2/3 IP

If only “Doc” could have stayed away from the white stuff … 

9.  Ricky Henderson, 1985, Yankees - .314 BA, 24 HR, 72 RBI, 146 R, 99 BB, 80 SB (in 143 games)

Rickey thinks he should be No. 1.  I am the greatest fantasy player ever.  Thank you.  Thank you all.

8.  Ivan Rodriguez, 1999, Rangers - .332 BA, .914 OPS, 35 HR, 113 RBI, 116 R, 25 SB

Holy position scarcity, Batman!

7.  Alex Rodriguez, 1998, Mariners - .310 BA, 42 HR, 123 R, 124 RBI, 46 SB

A-Rod used to play for the Mariners?  Who knew?

6.  Roger Clemens, 1997, Blue Jays - 21 W, 292 K, 2.05 ERA, 1.03 WHIP

We now break away from this column for live Congressional coverage on CSPAN … Yes sir, that’s right. Lidocaine and B12 shots.  No comment.  No comment. Wags finger sternly at House Subcommitee Chairman, Thomas M. Davis III (R-VA).  I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

5.  Eric Davis, 1987, Reds - .293 BA, 144 R, 44 HR, 120 RBI, 60 SB

No.  He didn’t actually get these stats.  But he would have likely come close if he played in more than just 129 games that season.  120 R, 37 HR, 100 RBI, 50 SB, 84 BB, 474 AB (His actual line from 1987).

4.  Pedro Martinez, 1998, Red Sox - 23 W, 313 SO, 2.07 ERA, .92 WHIP

Flat out impressive.  Also the heyday of Pedro’s Jheri curl.

3.  Sammy Sosa, 1998, Cubs - .308 BA, 66 HR, 134 R, 158 RBI, 18 SB

Baseball has been very, very good to me.

2.  Larry Walker, 1997, Rockies - .366 BA, 49 HR, 143 R, 130 RBI, 33 SB

I think Larry is also on the top 10 baseball mullets of all time list as well.

1.  David Gignilliat (aka “Cobra Kai”), 2008, Fantasy Baseball Mafia – Keeper League 10

It’s on.  Like Donkey Kong.

And, yes, I do know Barry Bonds is not on my list.  Let the trash talk begin.

“More Super Bowl News, Sponsored by GoDaddy.com … not!”

If you’re still reading, here’s my fearless Super Bowl prediction.  The Patriots are the best team ever in the history of the NFL.  The game announcers will ignore the most recent “brush fire” during tonight’s telecast at all costs.  Randy Moss will catch two touchdown passes.  Mike Vrabel will drop his first ball. Tom Brady will still be a god.  He is so dreamy that I dream about him even when I am awake.  And most people will say that the New York Giants have as good a chance of beating the Patriots today as the Feds do in locating Jimmy Hoffa’s remains underneath the Meadowlands … up until the point where the Giants take the lead late in the fourth quarter on an Eli Manning naked bootleg for a go-ahead touchdown …

Giants 28, Patriots 24.  Book it.