By Gabriel Lundeen
Cappo, League 10
The ‘Traderrheia Epidemic’
Fantasy baseball is all about positivity, and we always try to spread the love here at Fantasy Baseball Mafia. Today, however, I’d like to discuss a serious topic – a true medical danger to fantasy owners everywhere. I’m here to administer some tough love, as I diagnose a reader with one of the most fearsome, crippling diseases known to fantasy baseball: Traderrheia.
THE DEALS
The team in question has already made THREE(!!) 3-for 3 deals and is described as Team 2 in each of these scenarios:
First trade –
Team 1 traded Todd Helton, Willy Taveras, and Ryan Garko
Team 2 traded Carlos Delgado, Corey Hart, and Curtis Granderson
Second trade –
Team 1 traded Matt Kemp, Grady Sizemore, and Hunter Pence
Team 2 traded Vladimir Guerrero, Clay Buchholz, and Scott Kazmir
Third trade –
Team 1 traded Troy Tulowitzki, Ty Wigginton, and Brad Penny
Team 2 traded Brian Roberts, Miguel Tejada, and Troy Glaus
How do you even begin breaking down this mess!? Analyzing all 18 players involved in these deals, and searching for reasons for these trades, would be an exercise in folly because this owner is clearly deranged. This amounts to 9-for-9, for those of you keeping score at home.
As the great Pete Rose once said, “Baseball doesn’t really start until the kids get out of school.” This is a time to evaluate your roster, make small trades as the opportunities arise, and get a strong handle on your team’s strengths and weaknesses. It’s certainly not time for roster overhaul.
Without even trying to do the Pythagorean Math required to interpret these deals, we’re left with so many tremendous questions. What the heck is anyone doing making this many deals this early in the season? Has this owner already abandoned hope? Has he already lost faith in his drafted troops before the summer has even begun? Oh, the humanity!
THE FINAL BREAKDOWN
The answer is simple. The team in question has a disease known as Traderrheia, commonly contracted between the months of April and June. Traderrheia causes a team to make trade after reckless trade without a goal in mind, without hope or memory of their oh-so-recent draft, with the burning addiction of the junkie caught in the needle’s eye. An owner suffering from Traderrheia will do anything to get their next fix, no matter how insane, regardless of the ramifications.
The entire staff at Fantasy Baseball Mafia implores you to recognize the dangers of this terrible team and league-destroying disease. If you, or a loved one you know, suffers from Traderrheia, the only known cure is to keep reading this column and download the “Inside The Trader’s Studio” podcast hosted by myself and Bob Sikon.
We’ve all had Traderrheia at one time or another — believe me, brother, I know what it’s like. With honesty, analysis, courage, and a little luck, you too can keep your Traderrheia under control. Remember, it’s not too late to get help. We’re in your corner.