By Keith Wire

League 8

Welcome to my first feature article … boy, that was quick! I remember back in February when Bob asked me to join the writing staff; I said I was honored, and I was put down for one or two feature articles, and then I said to myself that “Ah, it’s a long way off, I should be able to come up with something by then”.

Well, here it is, and if not for the friendly reminder I received the other day, this deadline would have come and gone. I had all kinds of ideas for this back in February that required research and number crunching, and I assure you that everybody would have been dazzled by my brilliance.

Speaking of Bob, are we lucky to have him or what? Am I sucking up to conceal the fact that I am unprepared for this article? You betcha! Still doesn’t mean it is not true.

I heard Tommy Lasorda say once that there are two things that every male over the age of sixteen can do better than anybody … drive a car and manage a baseball team.

I have never claimed to be a better driver than anybody, but I have always thought I could manage a baseball team as well as anybody, so my obsession with fantasy baseball began. And, so, here are my thoughts on the things about our “cute little hobby” that drive me bonkers … and/or provide the joy that makes me return and sign up for yet another league that I really have no business entering.

There are three things in life that I will never have a shortage of: caloric intake, golf clubs and fantasy leagues.

1. Trading Blocks - When I put Ryan Howard, at a 16 dollar salary, on the block and say I am looking for “a quality arm and some speed” that does not mean I want Tim Redding and Dave Roberts.

Conversely, I get a kick out of the players who post their scrubs on the block and say they are looking for a stud outfielder or a power bat. Case in point, guy posts Andy Pettitte, John Lannan and says he is looking for power bat. I say good luck and chuckle.

Two hours later, he gets Garrett Anderson for Pettitte and Lannan. Dang, if that’s your idea of a power bat, maybe I should trade with you, and I commence to get the wheels turning. I wrote this part three days ago, and since then, Anderson has hit two home runs and driven in eight. Why am I writing this again? I guess willingness goes a long way in this business.

2. Cory Schwartz - Let’s just say that Cory has forgotten more about fantasy baseball than I know; but during the offseason, when the show is bombarded with keeper questions, almost every question ends with Cory saying “what you need to do is trade two or three of these guys for an upgrade”. Gee, Cory I never thought of that! Everybody in the league is trying to upgrade to a better keeper - makes it kind of difficult.

3. Closers - Remember that NFL on Fox commercial when Warren Sapp puts the kicker in the overhead compartment and turns to Howie Long and says “kickers”?

That’s how I feel about closers and the whole save category. I think it serves no purpose, but to insert more luck into this thing - more than there already is. The people who waited on closers and ended up with Brandon Lyon, Troy Percival and Brian Wilson (and at the same time used those fifth and sixth round draft picks on offense or ace pitchers) are raking in the points now.

Of course, it is all luck because nobody knew before the season that those guys were going to be better than the other also-rans like Eric Gagne, Joe Borowski and Rafael Soriano. If you think I am bitter because, for once, I followed the stud closer early approach and drafted JJ Putz early in several leagues this year, you would be correct (but it does not mean that my argument against this is not valid as well).

I just had to have Putz; couldn’t settle for KRod, Papelbon or Nathan. I still don’t think these guys are much more than one category pitchers, if you draft the right starters. I want to propose a FBM constitutional amendment to abolish saves as a category and replace it with something that promotes skill rather than luck. Who’s with me? Nobody? Go ahead and brand me a heretic.

4. John Smoltz - Speaking of closers. I love ‘Smoltzie’. He is one of the grittiest and fiercest competitors out there (in addition to being a scratch golfer), but dude, make up your mind! I keep you as a closer to anchor my bullpen and you go back to starting. This year, I draft you as a starter to anchor my rotation to help my ERA, WHIP and strikeouts, and you go back to closing?

5. People that know less than me (or at least they don’t know more than me) - I continue to get trounced by these people. What gives? Do those pre-season magazines that these guys spend eight bucks on three days before the draft really work?

Two cases in point:

1.) Live draft in person, 12-team mixed, somebody drafts George Sherrill and then this guy leans over to me and says “who’s George Sherrill?”. He is currently in second place and I am in eleventh.

2.) Chatting via AIM last year with Bas in Holland about some trades, I tell him that, in another keeper league, I just traded Evan Longoria to upgrade my pitching. Bas’s response? You guessed it! “Who’s Evan Longoria?”

I had the pleasure of being in two leagues with Bas last year, and I believe that if you added up my point totals for both leagues it would not add up to his individual total for each league. Bas ran away with them both.

I am not saying that I know more than Bas, but I think I think too much, and it just gets in the way (or “hurts the ball club” as Crash Davis would say). I certainly do not put Bas in the “magazine-buying-three-days-prior” category, but you get my point.

6. Vetoing trades - I will clean this up a little, but my opinion: protesting trades is for wimps. The only reason I could see for overturning a trade is collusion, as we have all said and heard before. I am proud of our Mafia leagues. In the five leagues that I have had the pleasure of participating in, I have yet to see a trade get overturned.

I can’t recall even a protest or a message post; but the other leagues I am in make up for it. Jeeeez, what a bunch of whiners! If somebody else’s trade upsets you, it’s probably because they worked harder than you. You have to do more than just send out offers. You have to communicate and say, “Hey, I really need such and such. What would it take to get him off of you?”

That being said, I am also in some deep keeper leagues, and it appears as if some owners are throwing in the towel already and commencing the dump-trading season. Now, that deserves a harsh word as well. I usually wait until Father’s Day, at the earliest, to bail on the season, but that’s just me.

In my sixteen team keeper league, I am currently almost 80 points out of first place and do not see myself realistically winning it; but I am going to try my tuckus off until at least the middle of June.

7. Red Sox Nation - I will acknowledge that they are some of the most knowledgeable and passionate sports fans in the world, but they were a lot more palatable when they were losers. With the exception of Erik Kuselias of ESPN Radio (who is by far and away the best thing they have to offer), Chowder-heads annoy me to no end.

Ever since Manny Ramirez left Cleveland for the Sox, I have had a major resentment against them … as well as the other sports teams from New England. I attended both Cleveland victories in Cleveland last year in the ALCS, and it was the most excitement I have ever experienced at a sporting event. Then, to have our collective hearts ripped out by Manny and company made winter a lot longer.

Frankly, I am sick and tired of any fan base crying about a losing streak. You want a losing streak? Try this one on, Sparky! I was born June 1st, 1965, and the last time a Cleveland sports franchise won a championship was December of 1964. That means, in my lifetime, I am a 0 for 129. What does this have to do with fantasy sports? Absolutely nothing, but I felt it needed to be said.

8. Rookies and the unproven - Last year, I put most of my third base eggs in Alex Gordon’s basket and paid dearly for it. The only leagues I didn’t do poorly in were keeper leagues where somebody already had him. I reached for him in almost every draft I participated in last year.

So, my philosophy: for every Ryan Braun, there are at least three Alex Gordons. It is a wonderful thing when they turn into the player they project to be … overnight, but I say you are better off trading them during the hype and before reality smacks you in the face with their first year of struggles.

It sure sounds like I am a big sourpuss, doesn’t it? Well, I am not. This thing of ours excites me and makes me a better baseball fan, and I cannot imagine my life without it.

There are basically three things outside of work that I spend my time on, which bring me joy and anguish: my dogs, golf, and fantasy sports. My dogs do not anger me, except when they chew things, but my life is definitely better because of them.

My goal in life is simple: be half the man they think I am. Now, as far as golf and fantasy sports go, it sure seems like they bring me more grief than they do joy; but when the joy does happen, it is intense and makes it all worth it. Why do I play these games? Well, there are all the standard answers about the challenges and the competition, but the bottom line as to why I play them is the people I meet that also like to play them. In essence, I play them because that is where my friends are.