with Chris from Atlanta
League 17
Week #13
This week’s column is a tribute to the comedian, George Carlin.
Like many others, his “Seven Words You Can Never Use on Television” bit was how I was introduced to him. He was a very cerebral comic, often saying things that first made you laugh then moments later made you stop and think.
Here are some of Carlin’s best one-liners and how they relate to fantasy baseball.
Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- The average Major Leaguer hits .260; now realize that half of them hit worse than that.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Would a hitter that can’t hit be called available on the waiver wire?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- You should always ask yourself hypothetical questions about your roster. What would you do if your ace goes down? Who would I be willing to trade to improve my power numbers? How much would my team suck less if I didn’t draft Jeff Francis and Eric Gagne?
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- When scouring the waiver wire, it is important to remember that you only get the stats after you pick up the player. You aren’t going to get the 12 HRs and 29 RBIs that Cody Ross has hit this year. Players on the waiver wire are usually there for a reason.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
- Just because they are not on a roster doesn’t mean that they can’t contribute. You can always find help on the waiver wire.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
- That last move you made will not be your last move. You should never be satisfied with your roster. Always be looking for ways to improve.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
- Dig into the stats. I love to look for situational splits that I can exploit. On the surface, AJ Burnett’s 5.07 ERA, 1.50 WHIP and 7-7 record looks very bad. Upon further examination, you will see that he has a 3.94 ERA, a 1.28 WHIP and a 3-4 record in road games. Now you know to stay away from his home starts and maybe start him on the road … if the matchup looks to be decent.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
- Until proven otherwise, don’t expect the opposite to happen. If Brett Myers is 0-6 with an 8.12 ERA and 2.03 WHIP on the road … do not start him away from Citizens Bank Park hoping that things will be different this time. You are bound to regret it in the morning.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
- I have told you about interesting situational splits for players in this and past articles. I can’t tell you why the splits are the way they are, but I can tell you that they exist.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
- There will always be another hot, new rookie that will grab everyone’s attention. Today’s Bruces and Longorias will be tomorrow’s Ryan Howards and David Wrights.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
- Don’t get enamored with the youngsters. Some of the old guys can help you just the same. Tim Wakefield may not be glamorous, but he is effective.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
- There is nothing more frustrating than the soft pitcher. The slightest ache or pain prevents him from making his scheduled start. You can’t drop him because; like the mailman, when he does pitch; he delivers.
I never (slept with) a ten, but one night, I (slept with) five twos.
- Your pitching staff doesn’t have to be all starters and closers. Replace one of your marginal starters with a few middle relievers and you will keep the ERA and WHIP down.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- It is hard to believe that there is a generation being born that will not experience life without the Internet. I remember when we hand-calculated the standings based on the stats in the USA Today. Now, I get pissed when the live scoring isn’t working right on the SportingNews web site.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
- In this day and age, there are no more sleepers in the draft. With the Internet, every user has the tool to stay informed. But, like any tool, it needs to be used properly to achieve the desired results.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- You cannot underestimate the importance of mock drafts. Whether it is getting familiar with your league’s draft interface or learning how to change your draft strategy on the fly (trust me, you will); practice makes perfect.
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
- Be flexible during the draft and during the season. Your strategy will change at some point. Be ready.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- Even though everyone in your league is using different strategies; they are all trying to get to the same place. A player that doesn’t fit in your plan may fit into someone else’s. Offer that player up in trade. You might be surprised.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first Major League baseball team, who did they play? You can’t win if no one else plays. Victory is much, much sweeter when you can look down on the others you had to climb over on the way to the top and know that it is killing them inside. The Yoo-hoo will taste better if you take the time to get to know the other owners in your league.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- Let’s hope this describes the other owners in your league and not you. Be active in your league. Respond to trade offers in a timely manner. Vote on all league trades. Field a competitive lineup. Have fun.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “S” in it?
- Whose cruel idea was it to start two catchers in the Mafia leagues?